Dildo Politics: Lesbians, Feminism, and Sex

[Disclaimer: in the great tradition of phenomenological feminism, this essay is based entirely upon one woman’s own unique specific opinions/experiences/perspective. By no way is it intended to represent all queer women, many of whom do eschew what herein is referred to as “eroticized dominance” for personal or political reasons. This is by no means intended to disparage their beliefs, but rather to put forth one perspective on lesbian sexual politics.]

“In the conceptual schemes of phallocracies there is no category of woman-identified woman, woman-loving-woman, or woman-centered-woman; that is, there is no such thing as a lesbian. This puts a lesbian in the interesting and particular position of being something that doesn’t exist…[she] can therefore undertake kinds of criticism and description…hitherto unimagined.”
-Sarah Hoagland, “Lesbian Epistemology”

“Feminism is the theory; lesbianism is the practice.”
-Ti-Grace Atkinson

A lot of the radical feminist philosophers placed lesbians on the most highly regarded pedestal, That Which Is Outside The Patriarchy. To the contrary, I would perhaps argue that nothing (even Relations Between Women) is so perfect. We all, of course, should be ideal feminists in every facet of our lives- economically, politically, sexually, dietarily- though some of us have a fondness for handcuffs or red meat. But what does “ideal feminism” mean within a relationship? In the bedroom? With the public/private dichotomy so rampant in feminist rhetoric, I personally have a difficult time deciding what’s politically correct (“PC”) in bed or erotica. While lesbians and feminists have kicked some major ass together in revolutions past and present, the old mantra “feminism is the theory; lesbianism is the practice” makes me cringe like the worst of cheesy clichés. I spent an entire semester of Feminist Theory arguing with seven heterosexual women against the co-opting of lesbian sexuality (whatever that means) for a political purpose. This, like the pornographic exploitation of female bodies for male pleasure, is a form of objectification that I, personally and politically find unacceptable. Thus, this essay is going to discuss lesbian sex and sexual politics, because everyone likes talking about sex, duh.
Lesbians are not simply “woman-identified women”- although we do need more of those in our culture. Women who live their lives with their global sisters in mind are sweeter than sweet in my book. They do any and all of the following: shop at woman-own businesses, take and teach self-defense courses, counsel sexual abuse survivors, teach women’s studies at colleges that drastically need them (ahem, Rollins College), defy patriarchal beauty standards, and serve as role models. We call these women feminists, and we love them dearly. One can be an ass-kicking feminist and still enjoy having sex with men; it’s when you define and create your reality around men that the feminist objection to heterosexual practices comes into play. Not all heterosexual/penetrative sex is rape; I know lots of young heterosexual women who use men for sex the way men are purported to do. I also know lots of lesbians who like to get fucked by other lesbians who are strapping it on, which brings me to lesbian sexuality, which to me is entirely separate from feminism.
What is lesbian sexuality anyways? Many people like to think that lesbians are inherently touchy-feely, egalitarian “you-lick-mine-and-I’ll-lick-yours” lovers, while it is rarely that simple. Eroticized dominance is prominent in the sex lives of many queer folk (familiar with the terms “top” and bottom”?) of various genders. Some lesbians like some or all of the following: dildos, dominance, role playing, erotica, costumes, bondage, porn, and myriad other crazy/kinky/weird fun.
Some lesbians like strap-ons, and I am one of them. I like wearing one. I like stroking it. I like getting fucked with one. I like walking around with a silicone cock hanging between my legs! These words and images might make you wince, especially coming from a lesbian feminist: we should be above using fake phalluses, or talking about sex as fucking, shouldn’t we? Maybe, maybe not. Do I want to be a man and/or have sex with a man? Of course not. Do I feel a masculine sense of power when I wear a strap-on? Since I have no conception of what masculinity feels like, I couldn’t really answer that question. I feel genderfucked. I feel unreal. Yes, I feel powerful, but sex is empowering. Sex, at least as I have experienced it, is about power: giving someone power/permission/access to touch you and kiss you and elicit orgasms from your sweaty body. I’m not down with non-consensual dominance, but the kind of power exchange I’m talking about is mind-blowingly intimate.
Does our sexual obsession with power have anything to do with our cultural fixation on the same? As an anthropologist I would argue that there is, indeed, a correlation. But who’s to say that our erotic fascination with dominant/submissive roles is, without a doubt, bad for us as women and feminists? Certain sexual practices are certainly disturbing to outsiders, but so long as they’re consensual and between adults, it really is not our place to carry out the Great Feminist Judgment. This is one place I would argue that change does not come from within: denying people a sexuality that they find fulfilling by creating more taboos will just make people feel even more guilt about having "weird sex" or "unfeminist sex." Then you have all these guilt-ridden and/or sexually frustrated BDSMers, and how the hell are you going to carry out a revolution? Certainly when American culture looks different sex will too, but let's focus on fixing the things that affect us all- rape, abuse, harassment, the pay gap- rather than the things certain people do in the bedroom…or the bondage club, whatever.