Being The Other Woman

…is both exciting and lonely. Dear Abby (who I’ve read religiously since the third grade, despite her not being an actual person) likes to advise that you should NEVER get involved with someone who’s in a relationship, because if Cheater will cheat on Current Partner with Other Woman, what keeps Cheater from cheating on Other Woman if Other Woman becomes Current Partner? Also, she’s very skeptical of Cheater’s ever leaving Current Partner for Other Woman, especially if Cheater is married (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...to make a barnyard metaphor). All very well and good, right? Protect your heart and don’t get hurt by Big, Bad Cheater. This is the same advice my very pragmatic XGF [formerly Q(?)XGF] likes to give.

But what about our very fragile feelings and utterly vulnerable libidos? So you don’t set out to fall for someone who’s unavailable; you like to think that anybody who cheats is not worth your time. You’re a good Abby disciple. Maybe you were even Current Partner when One Time Partner became Cheater. In any case, you know how much it, to be crude, fucking sucks. But sometimes shit happens. Sometimes a fantastic, wonderful older woman makes a post-modern pass at you (in other words, friends you via an online networking site; see “Courtship in the postmodern age of MySpace” for unnecessary detail) Say you decide to have lunch, or dinner, or coffee, or a walk around the lake. Say she has an extremely closeted girlfriend. Say you still really, really like Older Woman. Perhaps, even, you start liking her more and more each time you see her. Perhaps the sneaking around is exciting. Maybe one night while Older Woman’s Current Partner is out of town you end up having two hours of high school-esque making out and voila! She’s Cheater, and you’re Other Woman.

she's fantastic, and intimidatingly smart, and pretty, and exciting, and old fashioned. she smells pretty and you could look at her delicate hands for hours. she gives you books and mix cds and you are so, so smitten. In a way, the sneaking about is fun. She says she’s having dinner with a cousin when she’s actually eating thai food with you. You visit on her breaks at work. But then what about when you’re at her house and Closeted Girlfriend’s Family is right across the street and you have to close the blinds and hope they don’t come by for a visit? what about the eventual day your jaded, neurotic self wants to be her girlfriend?

Can you claim ignorance, I-didn’t-know-what-was-happening-until-it-was-too-late? Can you justify your own behavior by saying Older Woman’s ethics are not your problem, and that you shouldn’t have to watch out for Closeted Current Partner’s feelings? Can you forgive Older Woman the ethical breach of infidelity on grounds that are not purely utilitarian? Relationships are fickle things, and sometimes the end is particularly delicate. People do bizarre, incomprehensible things when they’re at the end of their rope with a particular Current Partner. I don’t even know if I believe in monogamy, and sometimes people slip up. Is this a cop-out? Am I being understanding of people’s feelings and libidos, or am I making excuses for Older Woman, XGF, and my own permissiveness?

Are the women’s magazines right? Is this about my own self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness? Maybe if I felt better about myself as a woman I would go after people that were available, who might reject me based on my own faults instead of Pre-existing Relationship Logistics. Or something like that. Blah, blah, blah. Call Dr. Phil and cry me a river.

Those who are particularly idealistic would say no, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who cheated on someone else, even if it was with me. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Maybe I’m a realist, and maybe I’m just a slut. In any case, I’m going to let myself get hurt, over and over if necessary, because the adventure is worth it, and I want to think Older Woman is worth it too.