"Ladies and Gentlemen and Fellow Americans of America:

I have great confidence in myself as leader of the known world, and in my decisions as Master Chief. I firmly stand by my decision to invade, er, liberate the Iraqi people; it saddens me as a leader when one of my trusted colleagues opts to pinpoint me for wrongdoing in this matter in order to save his own tarnished reputation. Lewis "Scooter" Libby claims that I gave him permission to leak information about Valerie Plame, because I wanted to rebut former Ambassador Joseph Wilson's claims that our intelligence about Saddam Hussein's attempt to buy uranium from Niger was not based in fact--as if I needed to slander someone because they saw through my bullshit refuted my legitimate information. As your President, I feel I owe some sort of statement in this matter.

Firstly, when I was little I had a hamster named Scooter that I accidentally dropped from a window--he did not survive. Now, I'm not calling Libby a hamster, but I will just say I have experience dropping things. I'm not saying I'll drop you for calling me out, Scooter, but I will. And when I say 'drop,' I mean secret intelligence code for 'kill dead.' We know how to do it Texas-style, and by 'Texas-style' I mean--well, I don't know what I mean, but it sounds bad-ass. Go Longhorns!

Libby's claim that I authorized the leak is completely erroneous. I assure you that I was on vacation that week. I don't remember where, but I can assure you I was not busy at work. And if, in fact, I did give permission, I probably thought he said "Uranus" instead of "uranium" because I think space jokes that are secretly butt jokes are hella funny, especially ones involving Saddam Hussein. Also, I would never use such a derogatory word as "Niger" in public. To assume that all Nigers provide uranium to terrorist countries is racist, and I am not racist. In fact, I loved what Professor X did for civil rights in this country.

God Bless America."


Leaker in Chief? Scooter Libby and George Bush (msnbc.com).