So here's the deal: nipples are excellent in general. Men like them. Women like them. Babies like them.

Erect nipples, in particular, have a tendency to awaken primeval sexual lust. The nipple is obviously the most erotic part of the breast, which is why standard American print media renders them taboo. We'll allow Pamela Anderson to show ninety percent of her VW Beetle-sized breasts, but you only get to see the perkiness if you buy from the likes of Playboy and Juggs.

So, of course, men and women follow the nipples. And other women follow the men and women who follow the nipples. Someone noticed this and decided to capitalize by creating false nipples, so that women could have perpetually perky nipples and be ogled by the men and women who faithfully follow the nipples.

I'm going to be frank (and yes, you can be Shirley). As a person with PENs (Perpetually Erect Nipples), I'm not wholly excited about this. I find it hilarious that women are actually paying money to have erect nipples, when I have to deal with my nipples (whom I call Derek and Hansel, respectfully, because of their constant walk-offs) standing at attention at any given moment.

I envy my fellow smaller-chested (but boobiliciously perky and awesome) women who can get away with wearing bras. Me? I have to wear padded bras because Derek and Hansel show through regular ones. Further, if you look in one of the bras I keep in regular rotation, you will notice the imprints. Yes, it's that bad. Cold weather is horrid. Warm weather is bearable, but the slightest change in room temperature and you might just see Derek and Hansel a mile away.

As a woman, I like to be looked at on occasion (some feminists will say that I'm allowing myself to become the Object, but being admired to an extent is sometimes a nice affirmation for my self-esteem). However, I don't like to draw attention to myself by being The Braless Wonder. If I do dare to go braless, I end up wearing a hoodie just in case I need a quick zip-up--whether men find me attractive or not, nipples are like magnets for their eyes (call it not-so-latent oral fixation). When I go to the gym, my sports bra offers plenty of anti-bounce support; when the blood starts pumping through my body, though, Derek and Hansel are smiling at me in the mirror as I do chest presses.

To make matters worse, the only thing I can do to alleviate this issue is (as fate would have it) is to manually stop Derek and Hansel in their tracks. Needless to say, there's not many ways a girl can get away with surreptitiously rubbing her breasts in public. Hansel and Derek are like the little girl with the curl--when they're good, they're very, very good (in the sensation department) but when they're bad, they're horrid. There's nothing exciting or sexy about having constantly erect nipples if you want people to take you seriously in any capacity.

Sure, false nipples will make some women look and feel more sexually attractive, but at least they can remove them when the wrong attention heads their way. Me? I get to cross my arms, zip up my hoodie, and flee the scene.